The Love Club

I’m in a clique but I want out. It’s not the same as when I was punched. In the old days there was enough. The card games and ease with the bitter salt of blood. I was in but I want out, my mother’s love is choking me. I’m sick of words that hang above my head. What about the kid? It’s time the kid got free.

          Be a part of the love club, everything will glow for you. Go get punched for the love club, for the love club.

          I joined the club and it’s all on. There are fights for being my best friend. And the girls get their claws out, there’s something about hanging out with the wicked kids. Take the pill make it too real. The other day I forgot my old address. I’m sitting pretty on the throne, there’s nothing more I want except to be alone.

          Be a part of the love club, everything will glow for you. Go get punched for the love club, for the love club.

          Your clothes are soaked and you don’t know where to go. So drop your chin and take yourself back home, and roll out your maps and papers, find out your hiding place again. The only problem I got with the club is how severed from the people who watched you grow up. When you’re a member go on your great adventure again and we’ll be waiting at the end.

          Be a part of the love club, everything will glow for you. Go get punched for the love club, for the love club.

There was something from the first listen of this song that I absolutely loved. Something about the lyrics just gravitated me to it. But I couldn’t decipher them. What was this love club? What was this metaphor I felt so related to?

One day it clicked.

Acceptance. Acceptance from those around us. Our whole lives we are taught that we must work our way up in the world, whether it be by being ourselves or not. We are taught that the way to make it in this world is to be accepted. To be accepted by teachers, to be accepted by peers in order to be friends and so forth.

But I can’t lie… for the longest time I was confused. Because at the same time that I was being told to make it in this world you need to be accepted, I was being told that I needed to be independent, that I needed to know the things that I wanted, that screaming for help was a failure. I was drowning, and I was going in 7 years of holding it all in. Crying myself to sleep became a habit, or on drives… at any moment where I was by myself. Just me and my thoughts. I drive with my music blasting, in which you can feel the bass in my car. I don’t even have subs. I would and have done everything to ignore the voices in my head, the compelling thoughts of “what has my life become? Who have I become? Would 5 year old me be proud of myself?”

When I think about the answers to these questions, none of them are great.

What has my life become? An utter state of confusion. 

Who have I become? I have no clue. And even though I know I am in the age of trying to figure that out, I feel like I truly have no foundation for a person that I want to be.

Would 5 year old me be proud of myself? Depends. I think she would see someone who’s put on a strong front for everyone around her, and she would be proud of that. But she wouldn’t be proud of the way she has handled her stuff, the way she had her life so planned out and nothing, NOTHING, went according to plan. This France thing… it’s the first thing in my life, in a long time, to work out for me. My senior year, and including this year, it has been hard to watch all of my friends get accepted into the schools they wanted, sororities or fraternities, taking classes which they enjoyed, raving about how college was the best thing that ever happened to them… and I was still sitting at home, going to community college feeling in ruins. I put so much time and effort into my schooling throughout my middle and high school years to feel like, the high school I graduated from, succeeded in putting me back.

I pushed everyone that cared about me out and I can recall the second it happened. I was 11, about to turn 12, and I had lost one of the most important people in my life and watching my best friend fighting for hers. From then on, my luck didn’t change. I watched people I had trusted lie to my face and make me lose my faith in them… and those are just a few to count, because I could go on about the things that have hurt me, the things I have seen that have made me lose faith.

The consistency of our moves didn’t help either. I would change myself drastically in the new places we lived, in order to be accepted. That’s all I wanted.

It wasn’t until spring break of this year that I realized my true loneliness and isolation. My mom and I decided it would be good to take a girl’s vacation. I needed it. She took me to Florida and we had a few days to talk and enjoy ourselves. It’s funny how people intend vacations to get away from everything… but in all honesty, for me, I feel like I tend to think even more about the things I try to get away from for a while.

Mom and I

It was on the car ride there that I showed her this song. My mom and I have this thing where we listen to the lyrics and debate what we believe the artist is trying to convey. Lorde has recently become a favorite in this household, especially for me. She’s only 17, yet I feel that she has that young angst to a tee. It’s not the Taylor Swift “boy drama” club or the Miley Cyrus “down to party” aura, but lyrically, it’s honest, raw material. It makes me think of Ernest Hemingway’s quote, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”.

I was stuck on this song, and my mom took the 3 minutes to listen to the song to look at me and say, “this is what you are going through”. I listened again and I heard it.

This was my story. 

And those are my favorite kinds of songs, the songs that just somehow, magically are able to sum up every ounce of human emotion you’re feeling down to the bone.

There are 4 lines I absolutely love.

Your clothes are soaked and you don’t know where to go. So drop your chin and take yourself back home, and roll out your maps and papers, find out your hiding place again. The only problem I got with the club is how severed from the people who watched you grow up. When you’re a member go on your great adventure again and we’ll be waiting at the end.

The beginning, is where I am at now. I have no clue where to go. I’ve been kicking and screaming for 7 years now. It’s time to take a step back and re-group everything. It’s okay to go out and try to figure out who you are and who you want to be. Everyone obviously goes through these stages… but it’s 2 lines that honestly get it for me.

I have severed the ties with the people who watched me grow up, but even then, I know that no matter what, I will always have a place to come back to. They’ll be waiting at the end, with big, open arms and I know I will be able to run into them.

It’s not easy, losing oneself. It’s not easy trying to be accepted by everything around us.

My international relations class is more of a psychology class than anything. The other day, we were talking about personalism. 

“We are each unique,” my teacher said.

As I sat there listening, my mom elbowed me (yes, we happen to have a class together). I smiled at her and nodded.

Yes, we are each unique individuals who live in a world in which being different is not celebrated. Go to school, get good grades, graduate, get a good job, have a family, raise your kids and repeat. Yet, if we think about it, the people who have managed to have an impact on this world were different and took different paths. Bill Gates didn’t decide to graduate, and neither did Steve Jobs. Look at the competitive market that they have made in technology. Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi preached peaceful revolutions and they managed to change more than the violent ones that had been occurring before them. Lucille Ball dyed her hair red to be different from the blonde and brunette bombshells of her time, and she became one of the leading funny ladies of television of all time.

There is no specific path that one must follow in order to succeed in life, there is no one way to be. People who will love you honestly, will love you for you, and accept you for you. 

When I was 15, I told my mom, “if you are afraid of what the world thinks of you then you are afraid of yourself.” I find it funny that it came from me, a person who has been afraid of what the world thinks of her, who has tried everything to be accepted, who has navigated off of her dreams for a while in order to be wanted.

It’s okay to navigate off the course one has planned for themselves… because it can lead them to different, amazing places.

But in all importance on that new path… don’t severe the ties with the people that love you the most. Don’t change for the Love Club. 

Besos, 

Veronica

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