If you ask anyone that knew me when I was a child, they would probably first tell you about my bubbly personality and then lead into how I always wanted to be an adult. I did not play with toys but played with my imagination, and if I was not playing the part of a princess or a dinosaur (because I went through a stage like that), I would play adult parts. I would play the mom, sometimes the dad, I would want to act out being a waitress, or work in a store. I just thought that growing up would be fun. Then lead into my teenage years where ALL I dreamed about was the freedom. Freedom from school, freedom from my parents telling me what to do, and the freedom to finally start chasing my dreams.
Then there is now. 21 year old Veronica. The stressed out, have no time for anything, what am I doing, I do not understand, where am I going, questioning my life Veronica. Do not get me wrong, I do not want to go back to America. There is a part of me saying this is where I am meant to be. There is also a part that realizes I am “adulting” away from everything that I know. If going to college and trying to figure out paperwork and calling doctors for appointements is difficult back in a country where I speak the language… Doing it here is ten times more tiring. I am STILL waiting for my carte vitale (social security card). The other day I called and got upset over the phone and had to defend myself saying it was not my fault but that I HAD NOT RECEIVED THE PAPERWORK. Wait, I did that? I had to get a little upset over the phone because I have yet to receive my card after two years in this country (granted the first time around was thanks to my awful host family who did nothing for me when it came to my social security even though they said they had)? I am not the person to get vocal at a stranger, but after a little pushing, the woman on the phone actually said that I should receive the paperwork then in 15 days and if not call again. That was a step forward. I called my gynecologist, and I now have an appointment. I am dealing with paperwork for school. All this on top of my homework. Do not ask me how I am doing it, because I do not even know. All I can say is… what the hell was I thinking when I was younger thinking growing up would be easy.
Yes, now I get to make all of my decisions, but there is a burden and a responsability that comes with that. My whole life is now resting in my hands.
People have asked me where this sudden burst of nostalgia and depth has come from. Even though I tend to be a happy person, and I like to think of myself as strong, people who know me well have seen a difference. Ever since I started uni, I have been thrust into a system not at all like back home. I am stressed and worried all the time about my notes. I try to tell myself that if I repeat a year, it is not due to being an awful student but just the fact that I am learning how things work here. That would make me feel bad in a way though as well. I truly am trying hard to pass and understand everything, and imagining graduating at 25 does scare me. I should have been graduating this year and sometimes I think that makes me feel behind in life. I want to do a living by what I love. I want to work in journalism. I want to travel, learn languages, and share stories. I can’t deny that the path I have chosen is quite different, and I am going to have to accept the responsability. I knew about the pros and the cons of making a life abroad, and I thought I had felt the “month” of homesickness back when I got here. It was nothing like this though. Because this is actually me building my life abroad. My first two years were freedom. This year is adulting, and with that, the anxiety I am feeling about school and life I would have felt back home. I am certain. I just think that with my slice of adulting, I chose to have the foreign country on the plate which probably helped in making the feelings intense.
After all this, I really hope I did choose the right path. I feel like I did. I just have to be an adult and work for the results.
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